been awhile since it's been dark

Dear Diary,
Fuck you. Needed to get some thoughts out. LA is burning and the summer is coming to a close. A vacation of sorts while still working. Not to say that I haven't been working as hard as usual. Relationships give a kind of break to the monotony of day to day life and somehow that makes it better. It takes your mind, or rather my mind, off the incessant bombardment of the things I just can't forget. Those stupid things that shape our lives into the rat race. Trying to find work you enjoy. Having to find money to pay rent. All of that and so it goes... I'm sitting here waiting to go out. As she is getting ready above my head. Today feels like a good day although I have difficulty in realizing what a good day really is and have for some time. Sounds like whining to say that and yes I do realize it. I don't know how someone could read what I write and not tell me to snap the fuck out of it. I know this isn't going to change and it never will. Fuck it. That's what makes me who I am. Another thing is that I have a blatant disregard for what anyone things when all is said and done. Bored with what I've been doing for years. Over skateboarding for just that reason. Been there. I have realized that I won't ever sacrifice my ideals although they get distorted at times. After a bit, I snap out of it and question what I'm doing. Damn the money and the consequences. If you give those things up, you begin to die. Your life begins to pass you by in a way you can't even imagine. It's difficult enough to be pleased with your life chasing your dreams and we all know the chase never ends. Your desire isn't going to one day turn to contentment. Oh, I'm happy now and I don't need anything else. If it does, you are not being truthful with yourself. So you persevere and push on as you always will.