My general disposition

Let me set a precursor here. I set myself up for disappointment. I search for despair. I look for the ways in which I can be hurt the most. That is who I am. In some fucked up way, that is the only way I feel that I can learn. I don't learn from happiness. Yes, I realize I am writing like a fucking monosyllabic idiot. That's how my whole life feels right now. It feels as if I am just without thought and perpetuating some feeling I have for pain. I picture these things in my mind before they happen because I picture all scenarios as I think way too much. I can't sleep. I always need distraction to fulfill some escape from a life and more so a world I don't want to face. I brighten this world and I know that. I'm nothing to be scoffed at and in the past few years I have come to realize my worth although there is no high horse in this picture. I've never been one to settle although it seems that settling is all I do. I freak the fuck out and disregard everything that I feel is beyond saving. That's Mars for you. At these times, like right now, I feel compelled to write. As if someone might actually understand what I'm feeling and learn from what I'm saying. The majority who read what I write seem to already know these things I am learning. In some ways, we all know the same things. I guess it's the voicing and reading that put it in perspective. Anyway...blah blah blah...Tonight really fucking sucks and I knew it would because that's how my life rolls. The problem is that I'm picturing this alternate reality, the one that would be normal in everyone's eyes, where tonight would be very comforting and giving me some sense of stability. It's always upside down, I thrive on it, and it beats the shit out of me every single day.