Fuck

Just wanted to put something together from my mass of media that I'm too busy to touch.

I'm missing home right now so much I can barely stand it. This always makes me feel better. It's the view at my parents house in the country.

Photoshop Is The Devil's Tool

Sometimes

I need to write but it all seems like garbage right now. Like the textbook (not literally) writer who is throwing away reams of paper because they can't start something of worth. They write and throw away. That sums up today and how I feel about my general state of being. It's not worth starting. One has to be sick of reading my madness. I over think everything and things linger for too long. My distractions are the only things that keep me sane. I have no idea how one can live without distraction. There are those who can but it seems that their focus determines their whole lives. Instead of distraction, they live for that end. Disregard a normal life and substitute one for another. It's a rule for me that I have to live this life. I have to make mistakes and I have to forsake my safety for this lust for knowledge and experience. I feel like I'm aging at an amazing pace and pretty soon it's all going to be over. When it's over, I want to feel like I tried. No matter how I feel in general, and it's not good, I want to feel satisfied that I did everything I could do. That I tried to push this weight...up. Friends who are distant. Life that is forsaken. It's really time for change. A miserable life is not what I want. A hard life is what I definitely want.

My general disposition

Let me set a precursor here. I set myself up for disappointment. I search for despair. I look for the ways in which I can be hurt the most. That is who I am. In some fucked up way, that is the only way I feel that I can learn. I don't learn from happiness. Yes, I realize I am writing like a fucking monosyllabic idiot. That's how my whole life feels right now. It feels as if I am just without thought and perpetuating some feeling I have for pain. I picture these things in my mind before they happen because I picture all scenarios as I think way too much. I can't sleep. I always need distraction to fulfill some escape from a life and more so a world I don't want to face. I brighten this world and I know that. I'm nothing to be scoffed at and in the past few years I have come to realize my worth although there is no high horse in this picture. I've never been one to settle although it seems that settling is all I do. I freak the fuck out and disregard everything that I feel is beyond saving. That's Mars for you. At these times, like right now, I feel compelled to write. As if someone might actually understand what I'm feeling and learn from what I'm saying. The majority who read what I write seem to already know these things I am learning. In some ways, we all know the same things. I guess it's the voicing and reading that put it in perspective. Anyway...blah blah blah...Tonight really fucking sucks and I knew it would because that's how my life rolls. The problem is that I'm picturing this alternate reality, the one that would be normal in everyone's eyes, where tonight would be very comforting and giving me some sense of stability. It's always upside down, I thrive on it, and it beats the shit out of me every single day.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm taking a break at hour 10 of my day to realize how much I did today. It's just a rant really and a good way for me to vent because today, like yesterday, is going to be a 15-hour day. I designed a presentation in InDesign to be sent out to an agency consisting of word documents, pdfs, and a customized cover with logos as well as customized dividers reflecting the color scheme of the client as well as the agency. During this process, I set up a workstation to work with the RED camera. I created a workflow for that edit to be put on the web. I designed and built a Webpage for the edit to be shown as well as an alternate version to be downloaded as a zip file. Then I redesigned the page to display multiple versions and back to the original again. I created a password protected directory structure for the page so that it requires a username and password. I authored a DVD for a new director with customized menus built in Illustrator as well as overlaying buttons. I downloaded high quality quicktime videos of his reel and converted them for web as well as for DVD. I made him an intro tag for his reel and uploaded a new version of his reel to be viewed for a potential job. I duplicated 15 dvd's for one of our reps. I authored 3 additional dvd's to overcome a shortcoming in DVD player design. These are the highlights. Now, I'm going to begin a red carpet edit for a non-profit organization.

Corysco has a good idea

He made a shirt design and inspired me to do the same.

SF Seasons premiere drops me off the deep end

This is the highlights of the night I went to SF for the Seasons premiere...or maybe the lowlights. I must provide the set-up of this night correctly. I had a flight at 9:00. Started taken shots of Tequila and drinking beer at 4. Left for the airport at 7. Took a nap on the way. Hour delay on the flight so free wine on the plane. Into SF at 11. Planned on taking the Bart into the city but it was now too late so cabbed it. Already way passed tipsy. Subsequently, I left my board in the cab at what was supposed to be the beginning of the night. These are Nick's photos that pretty much have become my surrogate memory...because I don't remember most of it.

THIS IS THE BEGINNING




A LITTLE LATER-THESE GIRLS WERE NOT PLEASED





I'M SOBER HERE





YEAH GOTO



DEVIL INCARNATE






ROCKING OUT BY MYSELF




PASSING THE FUCK OUT AND GETTING LEFT ON THE COUCH IN A STRANGE PLACE



THIS IS ACTUALLY THE MORNING FOLLOWING THE NEXT NIGHT BUT A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE AFTERMATH




After I woke up....unaware of where I was or how I managed to get there, I called Nick and he basically had to explain where I was in the city and a brief recap of the end of the night. The girls in the house, were discussing the previous night's festivities....actually their previous night's encounters. I don't think they knew I was there. I contemplated talking to them but instead I just left without saying anything. What was I going to say? Hi, my name is Chris? I called a cab and took it to the hotel for a much needed shower and WTF contemplation.