My general disposition

Let me set a precursor here. I set myself up for disappointment. I search for despair. I look for the ways in which I can be hurt the most. That is who I am. In some fucked up way, that is the only way I feel that I can learn. I don't learn from happiness. Yes, I realize I am writing like a fucking monosyllabic idiot. That's how my whole life feels right now. It feels as if I am just without thought and perpetuating some feeling I have for pain. I picture these things in my mind before they happen because I picture all scenarios as I think way too much. I can't sleep. I always need distraction to fulfill some escape from a life and more so a world I don't want to face. I brighten this world and I know that. I'm nothing to be scoffed at and in the past few years I have come to realize my worth although there is no high horse in this picture. I've never been one to settle although it seems that settling is all I do. I freak the fuck out and disregard everything that I feel is beyond saving. That's Mars for you. At these times, like right now, I feel compelled to write. As if someone might actually understand what I'm feeling and learn from what I'm saying. The majority who read what I write seem to already know these things I am learning. In some ways, we all know the same things. I guess it's the voicing and reading that put it in perspective. Anyway...blah blah blah...Tonight really fucking sucks and I knew it would because that's how my life rolls. The problem is that I'm picturing this alternate reality, the one that would be normal in everyone's eyes, where tonight would be very comforting and giving me some sense of stability. It's always upside down, I thrive on it, and it beats the shit out of me every single day.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm taking a break at hour 10 of my day to realize how much I did today. It's just a rant really and a good way for me to vent because today, like yesterday, is going to be a 15-hour day. I designed a presentation in InDesign to be sent out to an agency consisting of word documents, pdfs, and a customized cover with logos as well as customized dividers reflecting the color scheme of the client as well as the agency. During this process, I set up a workstation to work with the RED camera. I created a workflow for that edit to be put on the web. I designed and built a Webpage for the edit to be shown as well as an alternate version to be downloaded as a zip file. Then I redesigned the page to display multiple versions and back to the original again. I created a password protected directory structure for the page so that it requires a username and password. I authored a DVD for a new director with customized menus built in Illustrator as well as overlaying buttons. I downloaded high quality quicktime videos of his reel and converted them for web as well as for DVD. I made him an intro tag for his reel and uploaded a new version of his reel to be viewed for a potential job. I duplicated 15 dvd's for one of our reps. I authored 3 additional dvd's to overcome a shortcoming in DVD player design. These are the highlights. Now, I'm going to begin a red carpet edit for a non-profit organization.