been awhile since it's been dark

Dear Diary,
Fuck you. Needed to get some thoughts out. LA is burning and the summer is coming to a close. A vacation of sorts while still working. Not to say that I haven't been working as hard as usual. Relationships give a kind of break to the monotony of day to day life and somehow that makes it better. It takes your mind, or rather my mind, off the incessant bombardment of the things I just can't forget. Those stupid things that shape our lives into the rat race. Trying to find work you enjoy. Having to find money to pay rent. All of that and so it goes... I'm sitting here waiting to go out. As she is getting ready above my head. Today feels like a good day although I have difficulty in realizing what a good day really is and have for some time. Sounds like whining to say that and yes I do realize it. I don't know how someone could read what I write and not tell me to snap the fuck out of it. I know this isn't going to change and it never will. Fuck it. That's what makes me who I am. Another thing is that I have a blatant disregard for what anyone things when all is said and done. Bored with what I've been doing for years. Over skateboarding for just that reason. Been there. I have realized that I won't ever sacrifice my ideals although they get distorted at times. After a bit, I snap out of it and question what I'm doing. Damn the money and the consequences. If you give those things up, you begin to die. Your life begins to pass you by in a way you can't even imagine. It's difficult enough to be pleased with your life chasing your dreams and we all know the chase never ends. Your desire isn't going to one day turn to contentment. Oh, I'm happy now and I don't need anything else. If it does, you are not being truthful with yourself. So you persevere and push on as you always will.

Anti-Racist

It's usually so clear. What is right and wrong. What you do and don't do. Right now, it's not so clear. My neighbor, yes, he is Mexican. Hanging out at the pool with his children. I know he is a good father. I see him coming home from work at 6 AM. I see how his kids look at him and how they will grow up to be amazing people. How this man is the epicenter of so many lives. How the failure sister comes to stay over at 3am on so many occasions. How all his friends and all of their children depend on him for support. To recognize an amazing man is a seldom occurrence. He is my neighbor. We say hello from time to time. I wonder how he can have children and live here. But today I get it. I pictured myself exactly within his life. What an amazing life it is really. His children are safe. We have our petty bullshit but it's far from any necessity. He is a man. I really respect him although it is so far from my ideal situation. Providing a life for so many. I get angry because it intrudes on my pretty picture but I am happy to have my picture altered. At least for him. Because he is one of the good ones. The one who deserves it. And I recognize that. I wish I wouldn't be tainted by the ones who don't because he is the one who suffers.

It's a lonely life and then you accept that

The ebb and flow is so painful some days. The downs always, and I mean always, outweigh the ups. As we grow older, we distance ourselves from those we love. We move away from our families. We cut the chord. I'm burying myself and I see that. I seldom meet someone I value. I'm beginning to think it's me. I'm starting to believe that I really am alone. That I am somehow more broken than everyone else. People seem happy. Why can't I be like that? This underlying sadness consumes me. Even my happiest moments are barely covering what is underneath. I really don't know how I function. Every day, I wake up and I ask myself how I'm going to fucking do it. I pick myself up and shower. Waking transient thoughts of the worst fashion. My to-do plate picks up where it left off when I drifted into slumber. I almost never remember my dreams and I'm pretty sure most are nightmares from how I awake. A constant beating on my soul. My smile that is always a mask. I really miss my family. I miss the people who just fucking care about me. I'm not a commodity that is sitting in their phone book. When I get flooded by 15 calls that is how I feel. It's not all like that....but it really feels that way sometimes. We are just all so busy. I need a breath where I can just spend some time enjoying myself. I think photography will actually be a good outlet. I'm not that good at it and I think that's a good thing. It's not work. It's enjoyment. I have no idea where this is going so I'll stop writing. I'm just flooded and need some rest.

where I am

You just fucked someone you shouldn't have. You're thinking about someone moving away. You're trying to figure out how to interview the president because truthfully it could happen if you wanted it bad enough. You're about to turn 33. You've come so far and yet moved so far from what you believe in. You fell in love. You had your heart broken. You no longer believe that skateboarding is the end all and in most cases it seems passe. Your focus in on point. Your work is on point. You have to to meld those two and not take bullshit anymore. Money be damned as usual as it has never mattered and it will never matter.

fucking life

It's my Grandfather's birthday today. I called him to wish him a happy birthday. My grandma has bad circulation and had her leg amputated this year. I'm pretty much weeping right now. I'm talking to him and understanding how he feels. It's his birthday. He's been dealing with so much. He's fought cancer over the last year. Lost his hair and been so weak. He's an amazing...AMAZING MAN! I want him to understand how strongly I feel for him. How I cannot relate that fact because that is not him as a man. FUCK!!!!!!! And this is life. This is the strength of people we care about. And this is why I am crying right now.

wake up and scream!

No time to do laundry. Pile of clothes in the corner. One grey sock and one short white one. Ran through the last resort nice clothes. Button up shirts to mask a tired face. So surprising how one can look good on those days. Store to get beer and I know I shouldn't. The short walk to the store is the only time I have to reflect. Get some perspective on things that are happening at the current moment. The redhead in line in front of me and the loneliness on her face. The contrived smile masking discontent. Successful and yet so lacking in any life satisfaction. So apparent in the inquisitive glance in my direction. Some partial lustful desire joined with her mouth turning downward as she realizes that thought is as fleeting as her youth. The biological clock within coming to it's final hour. As her focus turns to her work, something dies in her. We're all passing one another and not seeing anything. When I'm listening to someone, I only really hear half of what they say to me. I hear it and am present, but lack the strength to give them my complete focus. I get tired of hearing myself speak because I know it's falling upon deaf ears. People waiting for something of real worth to them to actually listen. When their eyes lose the glaze and you see their face appear as their interest is keyed. This is Los Angeles in the faces of successful people. Autonomous. Distinct. I am very much one of these people right now. I am fearful what people will think of me for the first time in my life. The problem is, the people I fear don't live here.

Particles

We operate on two different wavelengths. Shooting in different directions and by chance oscillating together for a time. Coinciding in our vibrations and touching for those brief moments while emitting brilliant light between one another. Then we part, and the distance grows. The attraction pulls at us and yet our own driving force propels us along the same path. Memories fade. The doubt grows. Different schools of thought and different methods of approach. Commonality being vulnerability and the absence of stability. Questioning our validity to the other. Questioning the reciprocity of our inner feelings. When the only true fact is an apparent end. The hopes that once were, now only fleeting and becoming repressed to once again surface with someone else. When paths one again align and the light will shine oh so brightly for a short time.