It's a lonely life and then you accept that

The ebb and flow is so painful some days. The downs always, and I mean always, outweigh the ups. As we grow older, we distance ourselves from those we love. We move away from our families. We cut the chord. I'm burying myself and I see that. I seldom meet someone I value. I'm beginning to think it's me. I'm starting to believe that I really am alone. That I am somehow more broken than everyone else. People seem happy. Why can't I be like that? This underlying sadness consumes me. Even my happiest moments are barely covering what is underneath. I really don't know how I function. Every day, I wake up and I ask myself how I'm going to fucking do it. I pick myself up and shower. Waking transient thoughts of the worst fashion. My to-do plate picks up where it left off when I drifted into slumber. I almost never remember my dreams and I'm pretty sure most are nightmares from how I awake. A constant beating on my soul. My smile that is always a mask. I really miss my family. I miss the people who just fucking care about me. I'm not a commodity that is sitting in their phone book. When I get flooded by 15 calls that is how I feel. It's not all like that....but it really feels that way sometimes. We are just all so busy. I need a breath where I can just spend some time enjoying myself. I think photography will actually be a good outlet. I'm not that good at it and I think that's a good thing. It's not work. It's enjoyment. I have no idea where this is going so I'll stop writing. I'm just flooded and need some rest.