Love and Truth

I really don't know how I want to start this. That all too familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. While Driving home, I was thinking about how the words would fit together to describe what is happening to me but it just isn't working that way. I'm at a point right now where I don't want to reveal anything to anyone. I want to wallow in self pity and self disgust. I want to stare into the mirror and question my validity as a human being. To reflect on the whole of humanity and question any relation one person has to another. To feel this archetype of a siren and a serpent. To realize some truth so this could never happen again. But that would not be correct. This won't be the last time. This bipolar outcome of the quest for what I was feeling not so long ago. That just amplifies where I am now. Questioning as always because that's what I do. Somehow, this image of woman is in my brain. It's cloudy and the figure is dark. That feeling which I have felt for so long. That feeling in all of us. The one you can't describe and yet drives you to long for the other side of this outcome. To dream that after the enamored feeling subsides that the final sustainable feeling will reflect that place that I long for. As I sit here, thinking about what could have been, and know what will never be, I am learning. This time I put both feet in and committed in the way I never do. Maybe it's because I knew it would fail. I'm thinking that is probably the case. And now the pieces are scattered. I've learned how my emotions boil my actions into sometimes what seem to be the unthinkable. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that all of this must be. I also know how I need to trust my instincts because they are very correct. And now, I know this is the best outcome because I really see the truth. This truth is dangerous and I don't use that word lightly. The dream is there in my mind on a pedestal. This day I learned that love does not conquer all. And yet again, the search will continue for that sustaining point. The real problem is that this time my feeling would have sustained. My attraction would have endured. And the dream could actually be realized. Now it's gone.