It's all fun right? This life as we work and live. As we write in two syllable words to try and connect with one another. To dumb down our mentality and try and persevere in an environment determined to break us down or kill us. So, this week is an important for me. I have this fire inside me that won't back down. I'm sitting here writing after a 14 hour day and am so flooded that it's ridiculous. I'm trying to determine what I really want to do right now. What I really need most of all. I'm looking and evaluating my decisions and what I know I must do in the future. It all sounds so fucking dramatic. The point is that the only way I live is to be dramatic. I annoy the fuck out of some people to the point that they hate me. Some people annoy me in the same way I suppose. I write this shit to get it out of me. I always feel that somehow I'm better. That somehow I don't fit into the same mold as those around me. Maybe one day I'll learn that this idea is not the truth. I haven't learned it yet though. With each passing day, I feel that I become more distant from those around me. I can't see myself doing what they do or thinking how they think. I can't just go along and not see how uncomfortable people are in general. How they are constantly judging each other to avoid being evaluated because they already feel they are better. I'm going back to what I said before about how I don't fit into that mold really. I really don't feel I'm any better but I do feel very different. I really don't care about this world and I truly believe it's lost beyond the point of repair. There is no going back anymore. I look outside and it just doesn't feel like it used to feel. I look at the art and music and understand the future. It's a looking glass and always has and will be that way. I've given up on it. My angst is gone and it's turned to a general disconcerting feeling. This might turn into a novel as my typing skills have improved and I really don't feel like stopping. Relationships are tainted and the older I get the worse they get. Just add and worsen. Add and fail. Add and hurt. Cheery isn't it? Trying to develop some emotional state that is functional but it just doesn't happen. It's always too heightened. I always think too much. I never stop. From the time I get up it's a constant worry. Sometimes 10. They don't go away. They just get replaced. Am I alone in this? Seems like people deal with this in a normal way. I don't dream anymore and I believe that is my fault. Fuck Rogue Wave is so damn good! It's nearing midnight. Could really be hell. How can I tell the difference? I'm getting worse living here and it's time to leave. I have no idea how long it will take me to return to normal or if that time is gone. I am motivated more now than any other time in my life. I have confidence. I know my worth. I also am finally figuring out what I want out of this life. It's something I have always known and denied. But I would have never figured it out without shedding all my comforts. I have no one here. No one I can trust. No one I can rely on to help me no matter what. That is a horrible feeling. I've always been around a few of those people because I'm one of those fucking people! Even here I am. I've been taken advantage of so much and learned that I can't let that continue to happen. You can't be that kind of person without those people around you. People end up knowing they can rely on you when they can't even rely on themselves. They wouldn't do it for you but they're happy taking it. They delude themselves by thinking somehow the small things they do that doesn't take anything is somehow equal. I've stayed up so many nights and forsaken plans because they needed me to do it. I'm sick of fucking do it! You don't deserve it. That is why I have to leave. These people don't deserve me anymore. Time to sleep and not dream so I can get up and start it over. Another 15 hour day to build a company, finish a website, help some friends, help push a film, and try and salvage a relationship.
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