My emotions are always so mixed. Gemini I guess is the culprit. I listen to lyrics that define what I'm feeling. I suppose that is why I love music so much. A Kashmir song "california" explains exactly how I'm feeling, what I'm learning in my life about relationships, and points me in the right direction. I picture myself going insane singing this song in front of an audience and them watching me to the point of disgust. Disgust that I really don't care at all what they think of me. In general, I really could care less about what strangers think of me. It won't have any effect on my life. The people I care about are the people I choose to care about. The people worthwhile in my mind and judgments. The people who are worth my time and energy. I'm so fucking fortunate to have these people. I realize that most people really don't. Not like those who care about me. Maybe that's why I try so hard. Maybe that's why I am the person I am. A good person. These people are responsible for making me who I am. Reinforced my compassion and kindness. Then I am faced with the other side. Basically, this whole city. I can't remember the last time I saw a smile returned from my uncomfortable "hello" into a face of disgust. Instead, I get a "what the fuck are you saying hello to me for" look. I can't pass someone and look into their face without saying something. I've resorted to looking down and not having to worry about relating to humanity...because I don't relate here. I live in uncomfortable skin, but it's just the way I am. I won't let this place break me down and turn me into one of them. I don't know why someone would. They lose sight of any truth they had in themselves. Day by day, they fail themselves. Convert and become that way. Busy. Insincere. Ambitious. Opportunistic. Disgusting.
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