The Life of An Individual

Often times, I write in my thoughts. I seldom can explain sitting down what I write within myself. I realize this. I need to buy a voice recorder. Outside just now, I explained to myself what I'm feeling. What I'm going through. The cycle that is occurring for me in this place and time. 14 years is a long cycle. Drumming up the past. Solidifying what will come in the future. I know very well what I'm going through. These times are the only times when I am truly afraid. I keep everyone on the outside of the truth. They know some of what I am feeling but the deepest points are never reached. These are only for me. Somehow, I feel special. I feel like no one will understand. I don't even know how to begin an explanation. These pivotal points in my life are times when I can't and won't explain it. I take solace in books I've read and experiences of others who help me push through. The mundane bullshit is just the cover. The loves lost and the trivial malaise of gratuitous nonsense that simply gives a focal point to our madness. I'm really beginning to understand how I think. I'm also understanding how that process differs from others. Life is not an easy thing. Understanding why parents protect their children from the truth of life. To shelter them as long as possible. That time is the best of one's life. Any arguments on that point are mute. As an adult, one lives for those rare moments of happiness. The best of us do I guess. Those moments where the future is bright. When life is overshadowed by joy. You wish they would last forever and they never last long enough. And you become a little stronger. A little more bitter. And after you realize, you try with every ounce of yourself to push that bitterness away. This is a much more honest thing I'm' writing now. These times it's all I can muster. With tears for life. I really need to write. I'm not weak. My feeling is a conscious choice. I've lived the other side and it's much easier. The more honest I am, the more bullshit is cast aside. The conversations are much more meaningful. These are the things we should be discussing. This is the life we should be thinking about. Our goals and happiness given priority. Not settling for anything without weighing the options. And when it's enough, we leave it. We throw ourselves into the abyss for yet another time. And we will see where this one takes us.