All I do is think. From the time I wake until the last thought when I drift into sleep. We all do this. We never stop. We veer our focus. Distract ourselves. Drink coffee and look at passersby. Somehow, when we feel lonely, our world truly becomes our own. It's like a movie passing before our eyes. Somehow, we aren't really involved. Our relationships seem shallow and our conversations diluted. A stagnation that infiltrates every aspect of our lives. It overwhelms us and lays footing in hallowed ground. Our mortality faces us and our short time here becomes a reality for just these times. It's one of those nights when I could write for 12 hours. I won't expose you to that. At least not in this setting. I'll put that to paper. That one is coming back soon. And this is my training. Relearning my grammar and thought processes. Bringing back an education, which has been on hiatus for quite some time now. Wait, what the fuck! I was thinking about why I was heading on my current path. I realized that this is nothing new. Somehow, I've solidified this thought tonight. The downward spiral. And understanding of others through the perseverance of dire straits. A focus on how deep you can get. The Hunter S. Thompson approach. The only ones who know are the ones who have come to the line and crossed it. The problem is...they don't come back. That's the price. How many cliches do you want? Ignorance is bliss. I feel like I always write varying degrees of the same subjects and I definitely do so. It all goes back to wanting to be a child again. To disregard all this bullshit and just be happy for a little while because existence is just very sad and lonely. Most of the time. The human condition. I know that someday this will change for me. At least I hope I will be given that chance again. I am such a realist that I won't accept anything but what I see in my mind. Not the fairy tale dream but the reality of what I want. I am not looking for the perfect girl. The perfect job. The perfect anything. I am looking for what is perfect to me. That perfect thing is mostly work but all happiness. This is where I am. Seriously, I need to write more. I have 50 subjects in my mind all screaming to get out. I used to write an hour a day. Meditate for an hour a day. Where will I find those two hours these days? I'm finding the time now. This song, playing now, marked the end of one my relationships. And now I reflect. This is not the picture if you were thinking that. Just the motivation. This picture points out so many things about me you don't even know. That's why it's there right? This experience was like a solemn end filled with emotion to a passing of something that should not pass. Forever lasting and still ending. We both knew that. This is like all things. They all end. This one was at my discretion and my stupid actions to amplify pain as I have always done. My asshole part coming out because of all those things that I remember and store in my mind. My pain vindicated in some childish manner. That's enough for now.
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